Today is one of those days when darkness is creeping up in your heart and you just want to curl up in a dark corner and be left alone. They are fewer and the time between are longer these days, but they never go away. They are symptoms of a life that is not in balance so I need to deal with that underlying issue.
Having a bad day does not really describe what happen when you run low on energy, it's far deeper than that. It's a feeling of being so burdened down and so tired in your very soul that even the slightest "must" feel unbearable. Like it will crush you and push you deeper down into the darkness that you may never come up again.
Fortunately this is not my first rodeo with the empty void inside so I know what needs to be done to break through it. I also know that this is not a sign of mental illness or that something is wrong with me. I have just been a bit careless with my energy levels lately.
I work very hard with 12 hour days if i count my travel times. Most of that time is spent in meetings with people I do not know discussing complicated issues that must happen on many levels at the same time. This of course cost a lot of energy as it is all on the extrovert side of things with little time for reflection on the introvert side.
With so long hours sleep tend to be a bit scarce and water intake is not exactly well maintained. This leads to a poor immune system and once you get sick it leads to stress as you fall behind in your work. Having social obligations during the weekends also reduce the time available for self reflection and mental rest and so eventually the mind will force you to slow down.
This is when one of the dark days happen...
So today I will spend most of my time in a dark bedroom resting. I'll watch some tv series and I'll do some "brooding" as I call it. It's when I sleep without falling asleep and let my mind wander. Usually my mind can not focus on anything so it jumps all over the place. It is when I feel I can focus again that I know I am getting my energy levels back.
This is just the band aid for the current symptom so I need to look at the solution for the long term. If I don't then this dark day will soon be followed by another one until it turn into a full blown depression. So I need to create space for me to have more time to reflect internally so I can regulate the energy spent vs energy gained.
Being in meetings and wrestle with really complex issues is generating great energy, but only to a certain point. Once I go past that point it start to eat energy instead so I need to regulate that point so it becomes the right mix of introvert and extrovert activities. I have already started that, so I just need to adjust it a bit.
Sleep and water must be better regulated, because I am not taking care of myself in those areas at the moment. I'll put back my water apps and start measuring my sleep cycles again so i can ensure good quality sleep. I'll also need to make space outside of work for reflection, so I'll go back to exercise again since it's good on all levels.
On the food side I'll start using my LifeSum app again since I forgot to cancel it and have another year already paid for it. It's not so much to keep track of calories as it is to regulate things I eat. It's a pain to log things so I'll keep it to a minimum which is good for the calorie intake.
So today is a dark day, but tomorrow will be great day.